I did something recently that I never thought I’d do again; I changed my hair back to my natural color. I went from blue to dark brown. Mind-blowing news right? Like anyone really cares what color my hair is. But it really is quite important, and I’ll tell you why.
Ever since my more recent spiritual awakening in June of 2020, it’s been a roller coaster of peeling through various layers of myself, observing them, healing, and integration. Just when you think you’ve figured yourself out, you get hit with another one of the Universe’s hilarious “Hey, this thing you’ve been avoiding to understand or take responsibility for? Yea, we’re just gonna let that bubble back up to the surface and maybe you’ll do something about it this time.” It’s great! Really…it’s great…
Once you get more comfortable with the waves and really settle into yourself after getting the ball rolling, things get much easier. That’s especially true if you’ve gone through the hell of the ego/shadow fighting and realize it’s all in vain to fight for the survival of all those things that really are no good for you. It’s best to just let go and follow what actually FEELS good to you; to trust that you are being led to a better version of yourself. The less you resist, the easier and quicker the transformation will be. I prefer to live with as little feeling of resistance as possible. Life is much less stressful and laid-back when you just trust the process and the universe.
So what does that have to do with going back to my natural hair color after over 20 years of blues/pinks/greens/purples? Quite a bit, actually.
A couple of years ago, I was a complete mess. Not that I have it all together now, but I’ve definitely done a 360 of sorts. My hair was green at the time. Something very serious happened in my personal life, which became the catalyst for my awakening. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say something not of this world saved my life and a big message was sent. I now know it was angels, but you can call something grabbing your hands and turning the wheel to safety while your passed out whatever you would like.
I needed to change, big time. And one of my and many other people’s way of initiating a life change is to modify their outer appearance. Some people have a break-up and chop their hair. Some people get tattoos/piercings, and some do the whole shebang ( I’ve definitely done that. ).
So, after this divine intervention of sorts, I dyed my hair purple. I didn’t really know why I was doing it. It wasn’t as obvious as the other times I’ve consciously changed my appearance. I actually never wanted to have purple hair again. I said I’d never do it. There was just something about it that made me not like it as a hair color. My mom always said it had been her favorite color I’d ever had. I love my mom dearly, so I don’t think the reason I hadn’t done it again was some rebellion against her. But, for some reason, purple sounded good this time. And so, I went purple.
A lot of people don’t realize it, but color has a big influence on us consciously and subconsciously. Colors basically hold archetypes within them. They’re symbolic and they can influence emotions and feelings. In my quest to do better for myself, I decided it was time to start meditating and doing chakra work again. Getting back to the basics is fundamental when restarting. I do think purple had something to do with my return to meditating since it relates to the third eye and crown chakras. I didn’t realize that color triggered that knowing and remembering within.
This is kind of funny; At the same time this process started,my husband and I got a new coffee table. It has sort of that modern rustic look with the birch color. I put some fake ivy and a sage and citrus Yankee Candle on top of it. I loved it. I felt closer to nature somehow. I started listening to more New Age music like pan flutes and tribal stuff. I still laugh to myself about how a coffee table was yet another catalyst for transformation and appreciation and connection with the Earth and spirit. It’s interesting how the Universe sometimes uses the most mundane and obscure things to get our attention.
Time passed, I had more awakenings ( see my posts about Moldavite. ), and I started this blog and podcast. Things have been great and I’ve been experiencing highs and lows, moving through these events with the knowing that all is well, no matter what. It takes time to learn to trust the flow of your purpose and destiny. But, like I said, it only gets easier and easier the more you let go and trust the process.
A few months ago, I played with the idea of changing my hair to more of my natural color. My husband was excited because he always liked my brown hair, the short time I had it. I got tired of the upkeep and the damage I was doing to it. Not to mention having to use cold water if you want to keep the color really lasting ( winter cold showers? No thank you. )Plus, not to brag, but I have a lot going on in my world. I don’t like dedicating an entire afternoon to the hair-coloring process. I’ve got things to do.
I told my mom my plan to go more natural. I don’t remember exactly what she said, but she was very upset that I was considering this. “But your a cosmic soul! That’s who you are!”, was about what she said. And I listened and believed her words. I kept my hair blue because it’s who I was. It was part of my identity, my brand.
A couple of days later, it finally hit me; My hair does not define me, and especially not who I AM.
You get far enough along in your spiritual journey and you may come to the realization and acceptance that your body is not who you are. Who and what you really are is so so SOOO much more. That’s not to say our bodies aren’t amazing, wonderful, immaculate biological machines that support our lives here on this beautiful Earth; They are. But the true essence of our being is not the body and it certainly isn’t anything outside of it ( Check out my podcast episode “You Are What You Value” where I talk about materialism and society’s obsession with brands ).
Rewind a bit to a year ago when I cut off my long flowing hair to the short style I have now. Mom didn’t like that either. She had been growing her hair out from super short and now I cut all mine off. I was so tired of the deadness of it and the upkeep, and the money to try and keep it healthy! Good god. I was over it. I did struggle with the fact that I would be losing that very feminine identity of myself. All of those witchy and lightworker Instagram accounts with their pics of ladies with the long flowing hair that directly related to the divine feminine archetype haunted me. Why was long hair so important to femininity?
And then there’s the plethora of religious and spiritual beliefs that long hair somehow makes you more connected to God/Spirit, less depressed, and more energetic. Pardon my french, but to that, I call bullshit. What an absolutely ridiculous notion. The first thing that comes to my mind is monks who shave their heads as a symbol of detaching from the material world. Now, to me personally, that makes more sense. Not that I believe total detachment from the material world is ideal ( at least not for me anyway. ) However, in the sense of becoming more “enlightened”, a shaved head seems a bit more ideal if you’re looking to be more connected to God/Spirit and not being so concerned with physical aspects. I’m not looking to offend anyone here, these are just my opinions.
So, after a while, I said “screw this”. I was tired of the perpetuation of long hair making anyone out to be more beautiful or connected to being more of a woman. I know who and what I am and I’ll be damned if I let my hair dictate what goes on within.
To most people, it kind of does though.
The things we hold onto the tightest tend to be the things we actually need to let go of. Or, at the very least, re-evaluate our perception of them. Obviously I’m not talking about loved ones and necessities, but things like strongly held beliefs of the societal and cultural variety.
This hairstyle defines who I am as a person.
This hair color makes me feel fun and confident.
This car makes me look valuable therefore I feel valuable.
This luxury bag tells others and myself that I am upper class and so I identify myself as upper class.
See what I mean?
Who you ARE, who you REALLY are, is not any of these things. It is nothing outside of you. When you release these perceived values and false identities; When you stop caring what society, your friends, family, coworkers and strangers think of you, an entirely new world and frame of mind begins to rise. All that matters is how you feel about yourself. All that matters is how you connect to your truth and the truth of all that is. All that matters is actual connection. It’s very freeing and you’d be amazed at what kind of doors and revelations begin to open when you realize this.
I love all the versions of me and roles I’ve played, be them good or bad. They’ve helped guide me to who I am today. And many people are probably going through the same things I went through with their hair color and general appearance. It helps us explore ourselves more, cope with changes, and have fun with life. And for that, I am grateful. But, now that I am in those glorious mountainous peaks of my story, I can journey onwards knowing that I don’t need to grasp onto anything going on outside of me to dictate who I truly am.
I am a cosmic soul no matter what I look like or what I have or do not have.
And you are too.
Ps. I love you, momma <3