Updated: Apr 10, 2022
As I write this, my heart is aching and I want to break everything in sight. I want to strangle almost everyone I see and I want to go somewhere dark and just hide until this storm passes.
Gear yourself for my most vulnerable post yet. Actually, I think it’s my first vulnerable one in general. With no time to journal, I realize that it’s time to make time for that.
Guys, I’m tired. I didn’t realize how tired I was. I’m tired of people. I’m tired of assumptions and expectations. I’m tired of it. I often preach that it doesn’t matter what people think; And it really doesn’t matter. As long as you are truly happy and not hurting anyone, no one has any say and has no power over you. I’m also tired of being there for everyone else. I’m the one people go to for advice and to let their baggage down. I don’t have anyone; No one that understand me, anyways. I’m also tired of people being totally fine with sacrificing freedoms for the illusion of safety. I’m tired of all the division and hate. And don’t get me started on people who believe the media, which is there to keep you scared and complacent with having less and less. But I digress. I’ve been under a lot of stress and some unknown issues have also made themselves known.
The good thing is, I know this will pass. I am allowing myself to feel these emotions. I’m not ignoring anything or pretending they don’t exist. The best thing to do when these things happen is to channel that negativity into something creative and positive, hence this very post. I am taking this fuel and making the biggest bonfire I can.
I really don’t like cussing, and the original version of this post had a few nasty words in it because I was so upset. I can’t stand cussing just to cuss. It is such a low vibration thing and it’s so common. You may think I’m being dramatic when I say that or that I’m acting high and mighty, but I’ve been there. Not so long ago, every word I said was f#@k. You don’t realize what you’re doing to yourself subconsciously. It’s not cool and you’re certainly not smarter for using bad language. I now very much understand everything is energy. Everything vibrates. Words and thoughts are incredibly powerful; Maybe the most powerful things in existence. You can rip someone apart on the inside with your words or you can heal someone’s heart and soul. So in that aspect too, I have changed. I believe for the better.
With that being said, let’s get to my main point I’m going to talk about and that is this: Spirituality can be very very lonely.
I remember my first spiritual awakening really well. It was 12 years ago and I was about 23-24. A new friend of me and my boyfriend at the time had introduced me to the magic of yoga and crystals. She also introduced me to Oracle cards. I had been a big fan of the tarot for 10 years by then, but it was pretty off and on. I got WAY into these new things. I was on cloud nine like you wouldn’t believe. Yoga quickly led me to meditation, which really ended up being the ultimate game changer. With Jade in my pocket to open my heart, and a new perspective on life, I became kinder and more relaxed; More chill and go-with-the-flow. Long story short, time passed and, though I had awakened to some new awesome philosophies, I was still young and naive. My ego was still running the show, and I eventually lost touch with that newfound spirituality. I’ll write all about that in a book someday , I have no doubt. But all that I had learned and discovered remained in the back of my mind though, waiting. As I played in bands, drank too much, smoked weed, and lost myself in video games, I would tell myself that I knew the truth. I just wanted to have more fun first before I commit to that truth. Dumb, maybe. But now I understand certain things that I did or that happened were so I could grow and become who I am now and who I will be in the future.
It was 5 months ago that the really big one went down. A year before that, I did start meditating again and did have another awakening, but this next one was huge. You can read about it in my blog posts “My Journey With Moldavite” Part 1 and 2. This is when I realized my purpose in life; my calling. I discovered what made me feel my absolute best, which was to inspire people. I’m talking BIG inspiration that makes people realize how truly amazing they are and all of the possibilities that lay in front of them. My love of writing and playing music definitely goes with that purpose, though it has taken a slight backseat while I focus on the podcast and this blog. I understand that it needs attention too, so I will be nurturing that creative outlet more very soon.
I don’t come home and just play video games anymore like I used to. For over a year I’ve been reading day and night, studying everything I can. I love to learn. I had forgotten that. I come home and go straight to at least 20 minutes of meditation and tarot reading. I didn’t realize this was taking a toll on my husband. I have almost completely changed. I’m not the badass pot-smoking whiskey guzzling screaming banshee of a woman that he fell in love with. We used to play games together day and night. Now he’s the only one playing. I’ve since picked up our favorite game Destiny again, but my principles and spiritual practice remains and I spend a lot of time making videos and making my podcast. I also just became a Reiki practitioner, so Ive also been practicing on myself twice a day for anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. I want to help people in every way I can. He is trying to adjust to the new me, he says. And he knows it’s a better me and he’s proud. It will just take time. And that’s ok.
I’m not going to lie. It hurts. I’m older than him by almost 9 years. I’ve had more time to find myself, set my boundaries, and not care about anyone’s opinion of me. This includes family and friends. He knows this. But it doesn’t change the fact that he needs more time to adjust. I do understand, however it doesn’t make it any less difficult for me.
Building this new me has not been easy. I’ve done hard work that most people will never EVER have the balls to do. I’ve looked at my flaws and triggers and analyzed them so I understand them and can grow. I’ve dropped projects and people because I know they only caused pain and discomfort. I’ve been abandoned more than once in my life and had to start over. Trust me, getting rid of toxic things comes easy now.
All these people who think they know me, know nothing about me. Nothing. If we partied a few times together or they saw my post on social media, they don’t know even 10% of who I am. There are three very close people in my personal life who actually know me; And even that is still not 100%. My life now is being my authentic unafraid self and creating spiritual and mindful content for others while simultaneously being alone in the matter in real life. Left to my own devices, I keep myself pumped up and excited about life while everyone around me seems to have no idea how to be a real human. Maybe I need to keep my practice and passions to myself in my physical world. That’s the ego talking.
In conclusion, being your true self, following your heart, believing in what you want, and not caring what anyone thinks or says about you, is incredibly lonely. Walking your own path courageously and not knowing what lies ahead is lonely. My spirituality is very very lonely.
Most people don’t have what it takes to walk this path. If everyone did, the world would be incredibly beautiful for us all. Until that day comes, those of us brave enough to throw ourselves into the fire every day will just have to accept what everyone else is thinking, saying, and doing, without it bringing us down. Appreciate those who understand you, even if they’re not right in front of you. Remain glorious, because you are one in a million and your light is needed more than ever.
Ps. I feel better now. Sometimes writing just helps get it out. Stay cosmic, you glorious souls!